**BREAKING: Warren Buffett's Skeleton Was Actually Just Running the World's Most Boring Hedonism-Bot**

BREAKING: Warren Buffett’s Skeleton Was Actually Just Running the World’s Most Boring Hedonism-Bot

Omaha, NE – In a press release that dropped harder than a 2008 Lehman Brothers employee’s 401(k), Berkshire Hathaway announced that for the past 15 years, the public appearances of “Warren Buffett” have actually been a hyper-advanced droid programmed solely to drink cherry Coke, eat See’s Candies, and recite annual reports in a soothing monotone.

The real Warren Buffett? He apparently ascended to a higher plane of financial consciousness back in 2010, leaving behind a robot that’s been naively buying railroad stocks while the rest of the market was YOLO-ing into Dogecoin.

“AITA for letting a glorified vending machine run my $800B conglomerate while I chill on a cloud made of money?” said the real Buffett’s ghost in a statement, before probably fading away to rate actuarial tables in heaven.

TL;DR: Your grandpa’s portfolio is being managed by Robo-Warren. Market up 0.5% because the droid is still bullish on paperclips. 🚀🌕 But like, the boring kind of space travel.