**BREAKING: Amy Schumer Accidentally Cures Cancer by Accidentally Existing in the Same Room as It, AITA for Not Clapping?**

BREAKING: Amy Schumer Accidentally Cures Cancer by Accidentally Existing in the Same Room as It, AITA for Not Clapping?

TL;DR: Amy Schumer reportedly sneezed in a Petri dish at a lab she was “totally not trespassing in for a bit,” and now scientists are saying the resulting super-sneezle cells have somehow cured stage 4 glioblastoma in a test mouse. The mouse is now a Harvard professor.

In a stunning turn of events that absolutely nobody asked for, Amy Schumer has apparently achieved what decades of medical research could not: she’s accidentally cured cancer. Yes, you read that right. The comedian, while bravely filming a “day in the life” vlog about her struggle to find organic kale at 3 AM in a restricted research wing of Johns Hopkins, allegedly tripped over a cord, fell into a cryogenic freezer, and her “signature pheromone” (probably equal parts self-confidence and stale popcorn) reacted with the samples.

Sources confirm the lab is now calling it “The Schumer Effect.” The previously terminal mouse is now teaching a seminar on quantum physics and critiquing the lab’s interior design choices. “It’s just… she has this aura,” a baffled researcher told reporters. “We sprayed her used gum on a tumor and it just… apologized and dissolved.”

Of course, the internet is divided. Twitter is in shambles, with some users calling her a “medical messiah” while others are asking the real question: “Does this mean we have to let her do her own netflix special about it?” AITA for thinking she should probably just get a Nobel Prize and then immediately retire to a remote island so she doesn’t accidentally solve world hunger by looking at a loaf of bread wrong?

Thoughts? I’m gonna go spray my used tissues on my credit card debt and see what happens.