**TSA Gold+™: Because Your Patience for Bullshit Clearly Has a Price Tag**

TSA Gold+™: Because Your Patience for Bullshit Clearly Has a Price Tag

NEW YORK – The Transportation Security Administration has finally answered the question nobody asked: “What if we made airport security even more dystopian, but also bougie?” Enter TSA Gold+, a premium screening service launching at LAX, JFK, and Chicago O’Hare for the low, low price of a small mortgage payment.

Here’s how it works, per the official press release:

• The “Skip the Shoe” perk: They don’t just let you keep your shoes on—they polish them while you wait. 🧐
• The “Nude-O-Meter 3000”: A full-body scanner that’s somehow more invasive, but with a complimentary luxury robe to cover your shame.
• Dedicated “Bots & Booze” Lane: A humanoid robot pats you down while a bartender pours you a tiny airplane bottle of champagne. “It’s about dignity,” said a TSA spokesperson who definitely owns a yacht.

Critics are calling it a “Dickensian wet dream for the 1%,” but early adopters disagree. “I paid $1,200 to feel like a wealthy prisoner,” said Redditor u/CapitalismEnjoyer42. “The robot touched my prostate, but at least I got a fancy coaster.”

TL;DR: TSA Gold+ wants you to pay for the privilege of being sexually harassed by a Crunchyroll character. AITA for just wanting to take my belt off like a normal, non-luxury peasant?

(TSA Gold+ launches next summer. Pre-orders include a limited-edition “I Survived the Nude-O-Meter” tote bag.)