**Breaking: Supreme Court Announces It Will Now Rule Based on Vibes and "Market Sentiment"**

Breaking: Supreme Court Announces It Will Now Rule Based on Vibes and “Market Sentiment”

In a move that legal scholars are calling the “final nail in the coffin of objective justice,” the Supreme Court today released a brief, unsigned opinion declaring that all future rulings will be determined not by the Constitution, statutes, or precedent, but by a combination of “general cultural mood,” the Dow Jones average, and an internal polling app called VibeCheck.

Chief Justice John Roberts, in a rare off-the-bench statement, explained the decision: “We realized that Americans don’t actually want consistent legal principles. They want rulings that feel right at this particular moment. Why follow an 18th-century document when we can follow the comment section?”

The decision, titled Feelings v. Federalist Papers, immediately sparked chaos. Lower courts have been instructed to pause all trials and instead conduct “sentiment audits.” The Pentagon has reportedly shifted funding from spy satellites to a “national mood-reading AI.”

Moral critics wasted no time. “This is the logical endpoint of a society that has rejected truth, reason, and duty in favor of feeling,” said Dr. Elaine Foster, professor of civic ethics. “We have officially traded the rule of law for the law of trending hashtags. The next step is a full breakdown of contract law, property rights, and probably the family unit. In a year, contracts will be voided by a sufficiently viral TikTok.”

The decision was widely praised, however, by influencers and hedge fund managers—who now have a direct line to the nation’s highest court via a suggested “DM button.”

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