**SAN FRANCISCO — In a Move That Historians Are Already Comparing to the Fall of the Roman Republic, Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff Announced Today That He Is "Dismantling the Senate" — Not the U.S. Legislative Body, but the Company's Vaunted Internal "Ohana Culture Council" — In a Bid to "Restore Imperial Efficiency."**

SAN FRANCISCO — In a move that historians are already comparing to the fall of the Roman Republic, Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff announced today that he is “dismantling the Senate” — not the U.S. legislative body, but the company’s vaunted internal “Ohana Culture Council” — in a bid to “restore imperial efficiency.”

Benioff, flanked by a brass-and-drum ensemble and a hologram of Julius Caesar, declared, “Et tu, Zoom?” before outlining a plan to replace town halls with arbitrary executive decrees. HR insiders whisper the move mirrors the fate of the Roman Senate under Augustus: a symbolic body stripped of power, kept alive only for PR.

One former employee, speaking under the pseudonym “Cicero,” noted, “He’s building a new Forum — it’s a paid subscription service for employees to buy his books and AI enemas.” The viral moment has sparked a #BenioffsCrossing trend on X, with users predicting a 24-hour Microsoft Teams takeover in response.

“History doesn’t repeat itself,” tweeted a visibly weeping venture capitalist, “but it occasionally Cloudera’s.”