**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In what is being hailed as the most “main character energy” move of the year, Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff has officially announced that his company will acquire the entire concept of “cloud computing” and rebrand it as “The Benioff Breeze™,” effective immediately. The deal, valued at an undisclosed amount of “vibes and visionary equity,” includes all sunsets, rainbows, and floating productivity data.

“I looked at the sky and thought, ‘This belongs to Salesforce,’” Benioff said in a press release delivered via hologram from a literal cloud. “From now on, if you want to store a photo or send an email, you have to buy our proprietary ‘Air-Gapped Ascension’ or you are simply anti-innovation.”

The internet immediately broke into a cold sweat, with X (formerly Twitter) user @QuantumToad asking, “Is he going to pivot to buying the ocean next? ‘Salesforce Sea: For when you want to CRM your fish.’” Others noted that the announcement came just hours after Benioff posted a 4,000-word poem on LinkedIn about “the smell of a frictionless fiscal quarter.”

In a related move, Benioff has also put in a bid to acquire “gentle sunrays” for $460 billion. When pressed for comment, the sun had no statement, but it did get a little brighter. “It’s just good business,” Benioff added, before firing a middle manager for “insufficient gratitude toward the weather.”